Delirium (I'm bad at titles, sorry)

It was fourteen years ago when both of us were young and stupid, we met.  She never had a boyfriend after the first one and I was on the constant urge of jumping from one human soul to other like a monkey on its peak adolescence.  She never bothered me at first except the fact that the time I met her I was with someone else who was much less attractive both mentally and physically and we didn’t even clicked. The only reason we were together was because of our common choice of the coffee house we dwelled in. And this girl I meet has a lot of interest that drags me to her but whatever big of a jerk I was I never even once got involved with two people at a single time.  Maybe Number was once what I used to brag about back then but this is the only fact right now that I feel proud of, of my entire dating history.(well that and a couple of people I met here and there along the way)

When we first started talking, it felt like destiny was meant to be. We not only shared hobbies but shared the major portion of our dreams too. When you share dreams in reality you start to skip sleep in exchange for some hours of conversation with the other person. We had days when we used to fall asleep over the phone and the next day my phone would be displaying something like 8 hrs when I remembered only upto the 3^rd or the 4^th but that’s another day’s mystery. Literature clicked us more than anything ever did. She was a great psychology fan. She had bigger collection than I ever heard of. She rarely read books , mostly pdfs and whatever she could land her hand on her kindle collection and reading wasn’t just  a part time hobby for her as it was for me, she could go her entire day doing that one thing but obviously she shared her heart to reading with an equally important aspect for her, movies and series. She could watch them all day long, well just like me. All day we started discussing movies and series and books and authors, actors and acting, IMDB ratings and Oscars, we never felt scarcity of topic. It had never been like this. Almost every time after a certain time of chat, It would feel like The girl on the other side would be replying to me but for the first time ever It felt like she wasn’t just replying to me but we were actually having a conversation.  We dived to the depth of the conversation like nothing else mattered because nothing else mattered.

It was obvious for a conversation so long there would be topics to spark a little argument, which we shared often. We fought a lot over minute issues, she used to scare the shit out of me and I knew if anyone could bring the good change in me it was her, not that I needed much but for the amount I needed. I still remember the fight we had over the messy hairstyle I kept with the un-groomed beard. It was the first time we met, like in a casual way when I had gone deep into feelings for her but I was uncertain for her. I was waiting at the café when she walks in sees me, her smiling face changes to a grin and she grabs my hair(literally) and goes lilke “katera aaunu bhanya haina?” and I  couldn’t be any more happy for “US” than at that moment. “that felt like a triumph then”

From the moment I started talking to her I ignored all the other beepers in my chat box because even if we weren’t together than I had started dreaming that we were and I was acting accordingly. And with the moment going so quick it never felt like I needed anything more. I used to talk to her mostly and rest of the time we were busy in our things sometimes the two collapsed in a single time frame.  But I was changing for good. Everything was going smooth, It had been 3 months for us to knowing each other and getting so close in such short time seemed ridiculous but with the time spent as much as us, it was just right. Everything was going smooth and suddenly she disappears one day. Phone switched off, face book logged off, no email replies, nothing. I didn’t dared showing up to her house but since that day I tried calling her every day for a month but every time the same reply “Switched off”. After a month time showed its might and slowly and eventually I started checking her profile on facebook, dialing her number and erasing it back or even trying to call sometimes had decreased in frequency, I gradually stopped seeing her in my dreams and everything was back to normal until 6 months from about then, My phone rang from her number . I was at class so couldn’t pick it up. I called back soon after the class but it went unrecieved. Later that night I again get the call and I pick up to receive 20 seconds of silence from the other side to hear my name at the end of it. Six months of denial and trying to forget her was all in vain. I was back like a helpless child in the middle of the road, unaware which side to cross to. I was expecting a sorry from her but instead she went on like “ I know I shouldn’t have done that but that was for my career and my studies. I was doing way bad back then and since than I started to improve a bit, better than before. I need to work on all these stuffs and many more of my issues, so I need to go.. Bye. Take care.”
Before I could speak.. “BEEP…. BEEP… BEEP…” I tried calling back but in vain. Switched off again.

That one incident took me years to process, I thought back on my life habits and reflected on some mistakes, I fore took the responsibility of seeing this as a life lesson to me, I knew it wasn’t but I had thought to myself that she was the one to bring the good to me. I gave up on dating when I knew I could have just doubled the number from then on. I started chasing hobbies, generating new hobbies, creating new buzz. I picked up some bad habits on the way but gave up giving her name. I was somewhat similar to a crazy one sided lover broken in love but those destructive things never happened to me. Seven years later today I’m successful in my career, I have enough people who know me and I’ve kept myself busy in so many activities that I don’t have time to think elsewhere. I met the love of my life pursuing one of these hobbies and we’re getting married next week.  Today as I was pushing the trolley around the food section, I saw a familiar figure grazing towards me from the other end of the cereal aisle, I pushed my trolley towards her as she did her towards mine. It was the girl who was equally responsible for whoever I am right now. And as she came closer to me she grabbed my hair and said “Aja balla katichas!”

We had a lot of catching up to do. Turns out she got married 8 years ago, had one kid, one on the way, quit her career seven years ago to stay as a housewife and mother. More than anything I realized she was happy wherever she was. I told her about me about to get married and she with a mocking voice with a finger pointing my hair told “ aee tyasaile po!” It was then her seven year old came running with a bottle of nutella in a hand and choco candy in another. With a smiley charm in her face she said “Looks like someone needs my care!” and drove away. It was the moment I got to thinking “How did a girl who took her career so seriously, let it go so easily” and that is when it hit me. It was never about the career or the hobby or your love life. It was about not dwelling on the past, not caring about the future and just being happy in the moment, in the present. It was about cherishing every moment and doing whatever you want, whatever the heart tells you. Anything else? Well, don’t give a fuck about it!

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