I remember it hurt seeing her hurt......
I remember it hurt seeing her hurt.
She was hurt, she was bleeding with fears, insecurities filled her heart and tears were the form that it could escape out of her body. She didn't tell me anything but yet i understood, i understand everything. She can mute down her volume but the fears that her eyes display and the words that her body speaks says everything. It hurt and it hurt more when the i couldn't help her. She was there but yet there was nothing i could do. She was dying but she's trying to show that she was living up to her fullest.. but she was. Was it a move to make ne jealous or an attemp to live those last few moments she would be spending in this country in the way she likes but i could see her having the spark for other guys. What spark i had for her,she can't see as thr brightness of my spark is so much that her eyes are forced to change directions without realising what were those lights potrating.. She could've made two lives better but she chose not to. Well i can put the blame on me too for not being able to speak up. I have been known to speak up in front of the whole crowd and my words to have an aphrodisiac effect over the listener's mind but this time speaking to a single person seemed harder than ever. My words which would work as a sharp aphrodisiac were effectiveless in front of her mysterious charm.
But She was hurt. Or else i wouldn't have got the midnight call.. 12:00 as i remember i was awaken by a ringing bell of my phone which i mistook for the morning alarm and panicked up. But nah! It was a call from her.
"Hello" she said with her full consciousness..
"Hey!" I replied still partly in sleep.
"I need to talk. What are you up to?" She said in her full voice.
"What to do think i'm up to?? What about the talk?? Say it". I was getting impatient.
"No-thing" she said and cut off..
I went back to sleep.
He likes,lusts,loves,loves someone way too much and finally loses...
Same here. I couldn't sense the sarcasm in her nothing and went back to sleep. Well, the three days continous involvement in project had created a restless in me and had diverted my mind beyond my capacity of thinking. All i needed that time was sleep...
So an hour and something minutes later i again had a call. I cancelled without noticing the number and dumped my phone off the battery and the next time someone hit my number may be they got the message" sorry the number you're trying to get is switched off" in a computer voice which is yet more pleasenet then you get to hear around yoy everyday.. so no more calls that time and as my phone was turned on the next morning and thanks to the Missed Call Notification system on i got 3 messages..
"So missed call from 3 different numbers" i summed up.
1st number had one call attemp and it was my collegue trying to inform me to meet him before college..
2nd number i dialled back and it was Anuja's sister's phone. Oh shit! The third one with 35 call attemps as it read was Anuja's phone ...
i felt horrible.... shit! I regretted..
She waa going to be apart soon and yet in these last moments i tened to ignore her... i dialled her up... No answer... 2nd attemp and her mom picked it up...
"HELLO" she said..
"Hello saasuaama" i said.
"Ko ho?" She was socked..
"Ma hau tapaiko jwai." I tried convincing her...
Yeah! You caught me.. i'm kidding.. i cut off as soon as i got it was her mom. I called up her sister who had been to college... well she said she didn't came to college . I told
her i felt terrible for ignoring her sister..
she hung up the phone just after saying " Well, apolozige to her in person."
Damn! I had a packed shedule so meeting her in person that weekend was a pathetic dream... so I felt traumatised... So back to the project...
A large ground.. Thousands of people and screaming about our project to kids with a guilt in the heart... Damn! I hated myself. I hated myself for several reasons then. I hated myself for being in the project. I hated myself for being there... i hated myslef for not accepting that public hug.. i hated myself for not being prepared when she came for the quiz...i hated existing...... Yeah! Hated it all..
So hours passed and right at well it should be sometime, at that time I was busy with the projects and the phone rang. Well To be honest it vibrated. I had it on silent.. few vibrations and i picked it up.. Scroching sun with it's full brightness had ceased my ability to read out the number being flashed.
"Hello" i said as soon as the green bottom was pressed.
"Hey"said the voice on the other side.
"Come out of your tent or else i'll be there" some one said.
It was her. She was standing right outside just a meter distance from where i stood along with my collagues and tecahers.. Damn! I couldn't meet her there... it was my time to regreat even more.. i had to plan ... plan real quick... I tried running up my mind as quick as possible as soon as what i could think of..
"Whom are you with??" I asked..
"Friends." She said.. "everyonebof science..i'm the only one of Mgmt.please come and rescue me.. " she laughed as she said this.. I agreed... so i left the camp, pulled her by her hand and took her behind the tents.
*slapped* *slapped again*
A hug is what followed. *HUGGED*
Felt good for some time. And again a slap... I didn't stop her.. I felt i deserved it..
We had never proposed.. we had never been in a relationship but living without her for me was unimaginable. I really couldn't understand what it was.. Maybe infatuation.
We were silent for a second. And then she started " Hey!"
I smiled, fixed my hair and my dress. I didn't speak.
"Do you even have a clue how much i hate you?" It's again her speaking.
i stay without a word.
"damn it! Speak out" she was angry and she gave a a punch right on my wrists. It did hurt. I acted the hurt part.. She hugged again and the good thing was that there was not much mobility to this side of the tent. So we were the only couple of people breathing there..
She sat down. " why didn't you picked up last night?? Why didn't you called me?? Why the phone was switched off?? Dammit, answer it!!"
I followed her to the ground and sat with crossed legs.i gazed to her face whose beauty was charming although it lacked any trace of mascara present on it. The unpolished lips of her were still much more beautiful then those of the one's who claim to have natural "sexy lips"
"Hey" i started right frok the start.
She was playing angry or what ever but i didn't notice.. With my half dead voice which now she could clearly realise was not in the best state to talk to people i explained everything.. i explained how i had to stay up late, how i was focused on my projcets, how i was busy organising, preparing and most importantly as the tecaher ordered "taking full responsibility" on me. I told her how tired i felt but yet picked up the first call, how bad i felt when she didn't picked up the morning call, how horrified i was when her mother had picked up the phone and how despearte i felt when her sister picked up but yet i couldn't talk to her..
i was saying " But yet i feel........." when i felt my phone vibrate. A friend.. picked it up....
"Oh shit! The judge?" I screamed possbily loud enough for people on the other side to just notice we had been there. I ran to my full breath to the camp just a second after explaining her the situation.
1st round Judging. It went horrible.. But yet it felt good her presence had made every pain worth it.. I remembered her and went back as the project was now useless but yet to remain was the 2nd judging panel. Well she wan't in the previous place.. Duh! Of couse. I phoned her.. As she picked up she screamed "You sucked,didn't you?" I was like "How come?" And she explained thay she was right there when i was explaining.. Damn! Again i tend to ignore her.. Well, she cut off saying her friends were hungry and they were going for lunch. Well, i was hungry too and that is when i took a journey to food only to realise my mistake later on..
I was almost 100 meters away from camp when my phone rang.. a message this time. It read " In your camp! Learning the volcano from your friend. Ugh, what's his name? "
Oh! Fuck! I ran back in my full breath. i didn't want to create a scene so i entered my camp just as the volcano exploded and the crane was busy picking up things. I wanted to play cool.. In the middle of explanation she would glance at me and maybe sensing my desperate face she didn't made a move and as soon as i was aware she was in camp round up visit visit with her frineds i ran back to fill up my hungry stomach and enjoy my filled up mind.
We met a few times but i was lept busy with the tasks so none of our visits lasted long enough for anyone to be suspicious and pouring questions like "[[oye! Bhauju ho hamro?]]" To which lying was obvious.
Nothing more was special.
The concert :
As she had said she had to leave by six so we had enough time, almost two hours loop between the end of programme and her departure. And this time again i was tricked as she had some gifts for me and yet i wasn't ready but thanks to the college uniform which provides enough pocket to hide any gift in range 14×10 cm size i had luck favour me. But i hadn't got anything for her just like the meeting at the quiz when she came to my college without telling me.. :)
Well, it was wrapped and so i was unaware what it was.[[ i later realised it was a diary, well not a normal one. It was her diary with her daily journals which i finished reading the particular night i got it and got back home at 10]] So at thr concert just as thr result was going to be announced i was amongst the crowd mostly my frineds with one had of each holding the other, i felt a certain warmth sensing my other hand, i didn't cared who it was but just as i titled my head sidewards ,seeing her there left me half conscious. And mostly seeing her knowledge of timing i fell in love with her again for (i don't know how many)th time. She stayed there and wishpered just as she moved back. Don't worry! It won't matter what they say, you're always the best! " i wanted to grab hold of her longer but she left and me? I was unable to move but realising enough to take the final notice that we had lost the battle.. we lost but still I felt i won.. I won the last moment intimacy. I won the feeling of being together desipte accepting to be together.. i won a lot of things that night.. And bad luck for me she had to leave early and reason she said was some friend's emergency. I didn't cared what it was and this time again we hugged but this time was on me.. but i didn't cared being noticed but in that deserted tent at that moment nobody seemed to notice or they did? But nah! I didn't care. Because the effects there ruled out the consequence. And i saw her leaving just the moment she stepped out, just a step out of the exibition stalls i ran with my full speed to her, took a few steps front of her, she left her friends company and fulfilled my desire of walking her to the exit.. it was a long way out but relativity acted like a bitch and it felt like no time and we were out. we didn't talked in middle but just walked, no holding hands but just walikng in each other's presence. she exited alone and i was still waiting for the time, the time as always she would glance back. I didn't even dare to blink for the fear that i might miss her seeing back, looking at the last moment but she didn't she didn't looked back.. she boarded a bus and left along with her friends.. I felt somewhat bad but i had to head back i ran my way back just in hope not to mark my abscence. I was right in time for no one to notice and with the word notice, i could still notice the precious gift whose sharp edges still pressed against my chest, hardly enough to cause a revolutionary sensation of what it contained. It contained her, her words, it had her daily life. It contained a part of her past which she was willing to share to me still unaware of the possibility we could decorate the future together being least possible with separation awating our journeys..
Still her gift was a precious one. More precious than anyone could offer, it's even more precious because she gave it to me unlike once when i asked for it with someone else, someone else with whom it was sure not to work out but this, this one with this particular girl with her if i have the chance, the slightest of chance,if i'm able to find a way i would try my fullest of the best for this one to work out. Becuase with her i feel that i could totally be me.. i could totally live out my fullest and understand the precious definition of love, understand what love is or what i could expect from it. Because love is the best thing we do and it's for our good to expect the best from it, best of all of love..
And i am sure although i mayn't have ever confessed i could totally say out to the whole world, not particularly to the world but i don't even have the guts to confess her but still in my deep corners of heart i feel that i do becuase loving her had been beyond my control, i couldn't help but fly with her charming beauty, Intellectual sense and loving behaviour to the direction of cupid which shot me deep with the arrow of love which left a deep wound straight in my heart which no medicine could heal, Not one that has been made till now and it would be more difficult when the wound has traces of her.
She was hurt, she was bleeding with fears, insecurities filled her heart and tears were the form that it could escape out of her body. She didn't tell me anything but yet i understood, i understand everything. She can mute down her volume but the fears that her eyes display and the words that her body speaks says everything. It hurt and it hurt more when the i couldn't help her. She was there but yet there was nothing i could do. She was dying but she's trying to show that she was living up to her fullest.. but she was. Was it a move to make ne jealous or an attemp to live those last few moments she would be spending in this country in the way she likes but i could see her having the spark for other guys. What spark i had for her,she can't see as thr brightness of my spark is so much that her eyes are forced to change directions without realising what were those lights potrating.. She could've made two lives better but she chose not to. Well i can put the blame on me too for not being able to speak up. I have been known to speak up in front of the whole crowd and my words to have an aphrodisiac effect over the listener's mind but this time speaking to a single person seemed harder than ever. My words which would work as a sharp aphrodisiac were effectiveless in front of her mysterious charm.
But She was hurt. Or else i wouldn't have got the midnight call.. 12:00 as i remember i was awaken by a ringing bell of my phone which i mistook for the morning alarm and panicked up. But nah! It was a call from her.
"Hello" she said with her full consciousness..
"Hey!" I replied still partly in sleep.
"I need to talk. What are you up to?" She said in her full voice.
"What to do think i'm up to?? What about the talk?? Say it". I was getting impatient.
"No-thing" she said and cut off..
I went back to sleep.
He likes,lusts,loves,loves someone way too much and finally loses...
Same here. I couldn't sense the sarcasm in her nothing and went back to sleep. Well, the three days continous involvement in project had created a restless in me and had diverted my mind beyond my capacity of thinking. All i needed that time was sleep...
So an hour and something minutes later i again had a call. I cancelled without noticing the number and dumped my phone off the battery and the next time someone hit my number may be they got the message" sorry the number you're trying to get is switched off" in a computer voice which is yet more pleasenet then you get to hear around yoy everyday.. so no more calls that time and as my phone was turned on the next morning and thanks to the Missed Call Notification system on i got 3 messages..
"So missed call from 3 different numbers" i summed up.
1st number had one call attemp and it was my collegue trying to inform me to meet him before college..
2nd number i dialled back and it was Anuja's sister's phone. Oh shit! The third one with 35 call attemps as it read was Anuja's phone ...
i felt horrible.... shit! I regretted..
She waa going to be apart soon and yet in these last moments i tened to ignore her... i dialled her up... No answer... 2nd attemp and her mom picked it up...
"HELLO" she said..
"Hello saasuaama" i said.
"Ko ho?" She was socked..
"Ma hau tapaiko jwai." I tried convincing her...
Yeah! You caught me.. i'm kidding.. i cut off as soon as i got it was her mom. I called up her sister who had been to college... well she said she didn't came to college . I told
her i felt terrible for ignoring her sister..
she hung up the phone just after saying " Well, apolozige to her in person."
Damn! I had a packed shedule so meeting her in person that weekend was a pathetic dream... so I felt traumatised... So back to the project...
A large ground.. Thousands of people and screaming about our project to kids with a guilt in the heart... Damn! I hated myself. I hated myself for several reasons then. I hated myself for being in the project. I hated myself for being there... i hated myslef for not accepting that public hug.. i hated myself for not being prepared when she came for the quiz...i hated existing...... Yeah! Hated it all..
So hours passed and right at well it should be sometime, at that time I was busy with the projects and the phone rang. Well To be honest it vibrated. I had it on silent.. few vibrations and i picked it up.. Scroching sun with it's full brightness had ceased my ability to read out the number being flashed.
"Hello" i said as soon as the green bottom was pressed.
"Hey"said the voice on the other side.
"Come out of your tent or else i'll be there" some one said.
It was her. She was standing right outside just a meter distance from where i stood along with my collagues and tecahers.. Damn! I couldn't meet her there... it was my time to regreat even more.. i had to plan ... plan real quick... I tried running up my mind as quick as possible as soon as what i could think of..
"Whom are you with??" I asked..
"Friends." She said.. "everyonebof science..i'm the only one of Mgmt.please come and rescue me.. " she laughed as she said this.. I agreed... so i left the camp, pulled her by her hand and took her behind the tents.
*slapped* *slapped again*
A hug is what followed. *HUGGED*
Felt good for some time. And again a slap... I didn't stop her.. I felt i deserved it..
We had never proposed.. we had never been in a relationship but living without her for me was unimaginable. I really couldn't understand what it was.. Maybe infatuation.
We were silent for a second. And then she started " Hey!"
I smiled, fixed my hair and my dress. I didn't speak.
"Do you even have a clue how much i hate you?" It's again her speaking.
i stay without a word.
"damn it! Speak out" she was angry and she gave a a punch right on my wrists. It did hurt. I acted the hurt part.. She hugged again and the good thing was that there was not much mobility to this side of the tent. So we were the only couple of people breathing there..
She sat down. " why didn't you picked up last night?? Why didn't you called me?? Why the phone was switched off?? Dammit, answer it!!"
I followed her to the ground and sat with crossed legs.i gazed to her face whose beauty was charming although it lacked any trace of mascara present on it. The unpolished lips of her were still much more beautiful then those of the one's who claim to have natural "sexy lips"
"Hey" i started right frok the start.
She was playing angry or what ever but i didn't notice.. With my half dead voice which now she could clearly realise was not in the best state to talk to people i explained everything.. i explained how i had to stay up late, how i was focused on my projcets, how i was busy organising, preparing and most importantly as the tecaher ordered "taking full responsibility" on me. I told her how tired i felt but yet picked up the first call, how bad i felt when she didn't picked up the morning call, how horrified i was when her mother had picked up the phone and how despearte i felt when her sister picked up but yet i couldn't talk to her..
i was saying " But yet i feel........." when i felt my phone vibrate. A friend.. picked it up....
"Oh shit! The judge?" I screamed possbily loud enough for people on the other side to just notice we had been there. I ran to my full breath to the camp just a second after explaining her the situation.
1st round Judging. It went horrible.. But yet it felt good her presence had made every pain worth it.. I remembered her and went back as the project was now useless but yet to remain was the 2nd judging panel. Well she wan't in the previous place.. Duh! Of couse. I phoned her.. As she picked up she screamed "You sucked,didn't you?" I was like "How come?" And she explained thay she was right there when i was explaining.. Damn! Again i tend to ignore her.. Well, she cut off saying her friends were hungry and they were going for lunch. Well, i was hungry too and that is when i took a journey to food only to realise my mistake later on..
I was almost 100 meters away from camp when my phone rang.. a message this time. It read " In your camp! Learning the volcano from your friend. Ugh, what's his name? "
Oh! Fuck! I ran back in my full breath. i didn't want to create a scene so i entered my camp just as the volcano exploded and the crane was busy picking up things. I wanted to play cool.. In the middle of explanation she would glance at me and maybe sensing my desperate face she didn't made a move and as soon as i was aware she was in camp round up visit visit with her frineds i ran back to fill up my hungry stomach and enjoy my filled up mind.
We met a few times but i was lept busy with the tasks so none of our visits lasted long enough for anyone to be suspicious and pouring questions like "[[oye! Bhauju ho hamro?]]" To which lying was obvious.
Nothing more was special.
The concert :
As she had said she had to leave by six so we had enough time, almost two hours loop between the end of programme and her departure. And this time again i was tricked as she had some gifts for me and yet i wasn't ready but thanks to the college uniform which provides enough pocket to hide any gift in range 14×10 cm size i had luck favour me. But i hadn't got anything for her just like the meeting at the quiz when she came to my college without telling me.. :)
Well, it was wrapped and so i was unaware what it was.[[ i later realised it was a diary, well not a normal one. It was her diary with her daily journals which i finished reading the particular night i got it and got back home at 10]] So at thr concert just as thr result was going to be announced i was amongst the crowd mostly my frineds with one had of each holding the other, i felt a certain warmth sensing my other hand, i didn't cared who it was but just as i titled my head sidewards ,seeing her there left me half conscious. And mostly seeing her knowledge of timing i fell in love with her again for (i don't know how many)th time. She stayed there and wishpered just as she moved back. Don't worry! It won't matter what they say, you're always the best! " i wanted to grab hold of her longer but she left and me? I was unable to move but realising enough to take the final notice that we had lost the battle.. we lost but still I felt i won.. I won the last moment intimacy. I won the feeling of being together desipte accepting to be together.. i won a lot of things that night.. And bad luck for me she had to leave early and reason she said was some friend's emergency. I didn't cared what it was and this time again we hugged but this time was on me.. but i didn't cared being noticed but in that deserted tent at that moment nobody seemed to notice or they did? But nah! I didn't care. Because the effects there ruled out the consequence. And i saw her leaving just the moment she stepped out, just a step out of the exibition stalls i ran with my full speed to her, took a few steps front of her, she left her friends company and fulfilled my desire of walking her to the exit.. it was a long way out but relativity acted like a bitch and it felt like no time and we were out. we didn't talked in middle but just walked, no holding hands but just walikng in each other's presence. she exited alone and i was still waiting for the time, the time as always she would glance back. I didn't even dare to blink for the fear that i might miss her seeing back, looking at the last moment but she didn't she didn't looked back.. she boarded a bus and left along with her friends.. I felt somewhat bad but i had to head back i ran my way back just in hope not to mark my abscence. I was right in time for no one to notice and with the word notice, i could still notice the precious gift whose sharp edges still pressed against my chest, hardly enough to cause a revolutionary sensation of what it contained. It contained her, her words, it had her daily life. It contained a part of her past which she was willing to share to me still unaware of the possibility we could decorate the future together being least possible with separation awating our journeys..
Still her gift was a precious one. More precious than anyone could offer, it's even more precious because she gave it to me unlike once when i asked for it with someone else, someone else with whom it was sure not to work out but this, this one with this particular girl with her if i have the chance, the slightest of chance,if i'm able to find a way i would try my fullest of the best for this one to work out. Becuase with her i feel that i could totally be me.. i could totally live out my fullest and understand the precious definition of love, understand what love is or what i could expect from it. Because love is the best thing we do and it's for our good to expect the best from it, best of all of love..
And i am sure although i mayn't have ever confessed i could totally say out to the whole world, not particularly to the world but i don't even have the guts to confess her but still in my deep corners of heart i feel that i do becuase loving her had been beyond my control, i couldn't help but fly with her charming beauty, Intellectual sense and loving behaviour to the direction of cupid which shot me deep with the arrow of love which left a deep wound straight in my heart which no medicine could heal, Not one that has been made till now and it would be more difficult when the wound has traces of her.
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